About 3 years ago, I had to let everything go. I let go of the vision I had for my wedding day. I let go of the conventional notion that there is an order of operations to life events that will sum “success”. I knew I would have to wait to have babies, so I set aside my dreams of building a family. I had to come to terms with the possibility that children might not be in the cards.
Some things in this life are not meant for us. This is not to say I’ve given up on convention, love, relationships, or having children - I haven’t. What I have given up on, however, is my habit of enduring circumstances that no longer sum growth, as well as my attachments to people who make me feel hard to love.
My engagement looked very good on paper but was underpinned by toxicity. I was constantly treading on egg shells and plagued by intrusive and anxious thoughts. The tighter I white knuckled my relationship, the more tension I created in my body.
My cortisol levels stayed elevated 24 hours a day which ultimately caused my thyroid to quit. My benzo habit had me misplacing my car daily because I was leaning on Xanax to make life livable. Every second, of every day - I was forcing myself into a box in which I was not made to fit.