About 3 years ago, I had to let everything go. I let go of the vision I had for my wedding day. I let go of the conventional notion that there is an order of operations to life events that will sum “success”. I knew I would have to wait to have babies, so I set aside my dreams of building a family. I had to come to terms with the possibility that children might not be in the cards.
Some things in this life are not meant for us. This is not to say I’ve given up on convention, love, relationships, or having children - I haven’t. What I have given up on, however, is my habit of enduring circumstances that no longer sum growth, as well as my attachments to people who make me feel hard to love.
My engagement looked very good on paper but was underpinned by toxicity. I was constantly treading on egg shells and plagued by intrusive and anxious thoughts. The tighter I white knuckled my relationship, the more tension I created in my body.
My cortisol levels stayed elevated 24 hours a day which ultimately caused my thyroid to quit. My benzo habit had me misplacing my car daily because I was leaning on Xanax to make life livable. Every second, of every day - I was forcing myself into a box in which I was not made to fit.
So, when the final straw came - I had a choice to make... Briefly, I thought I could tolerate it. I planned to change MY behavior and thought I could accept a life with a man who I had to endure.
Ultimately, however, I made the call to burn it to the ground.
& I’m here to tell you to burn it down.
There is nothing to be afraid of. Life will go on, you’ll focus on yourself, you’ll grow, you will feel human again.
All it takes is choosing life - real life.
If you’re someone out there who is tolerating circumstances or relationships slowly poisoning your spirit then you know, at your core, it is unsustainable.
In effort to preserve some sort of phycological safety you will become so emotionally detached your essence will slowly evaporate. So much so that You might not even be present when the last drop of soul dissipates into the ether of your own silence.
Let it all go, see what stays.